Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I'm back in body...

but my spirit is kind of scattered about the ether right now.

Chiron East was wow, amazing, enlightening, deepening, nourishing, all great and wonderful stuff and Inwill post a whole lot more in a few days time.

While I was dropping the kids off in Ottawa (which went really well at the airport) Sprout and I crashed the Fringe Festival blogger wine and cheese with Zoom ... Greenpa, has competition I have a new crush - Milan from a Sibilant Intake of Breathe. Sprout got rowdy and threw brie and strawberries.

I spent an afternoon with Dark Mirror, and had my heart stomped on when I went to pick him up - poor Nature Girl and Wild Thing were down with a stomach flu bug and Wild Thing fell apart when I had to leave him there.

Went to Chiron and got some sage advice on being the pillar of strength I need to be for my littles during this sort of developmentally inappropriate separation.

Came home, called the kids and my sunny, strong, independant Nature Girl broke down sobbing that she wanted me to pick her up!

I spoke with Dark Mirror and told him I was afraid to talk to Wild Thing in case I upset him even more.

What do you think, should I be calling once a week or not? Will it mae it harder on them, or am I making excuses for how hard it is on me?

I'm exhausted, of to bed and tomorrow I'll clean and maybe blog but definitely take pictures of all the flowers that came out since I left!


monkey said...

are the kids with their dad right now? is that where they're staying and you're calling? sorry if i missed something or didn't pay close enough attention but how long will they be gone?
regardless of your answers to my questions, i still think you should call. i think you cultivate an environment where your babes are free to express themselves (which is a good thing!) so it's harder on you than it is on them. not to invalidate their feelings, but life is about balance. i'm thinking in circles trying to explain my perspective properly, i hope this makes sense. *sigh* perhaps i'll weigh in more when i can articulate better.

Anonymous said...

Maybe give them the option of calling you? That way you are there when they need you but you aren't imposing yourself on them. Maybe give them a few days of transition time before you tell them.

Mud Mama said...

They are really too young to call me anonymous - Nature Girl is 8 and Wild Thing is 3 and both would need to ask to call me and Nature Girl has told me she's too shy to ask :-( Before she left she asked I call every second day and we talked about how sometimes I wouldn't be able to call that often (while at this conference and a Baha'i summer school this coming week.

Monkey, I dropped them off on saturday and they'll be there til the 25th of July.

deb said...

Kerry, call them regularly. Every couple of days if possible. Once Wild Thing realises that the time flies between calls, he might relax and enjoy himself a bit more. Hopefully, if he is totally distraught the whole time, his father might reconsider keeping him for the five weeks and send him home early. It can't be a good bonding time for either of them if Max is crying the whole time...they might be better with smaller visits on either end of the larger blocks instead of five solid weeks.

Oma said...

My father used to visit every Sunday when I was in boarding school and I was miserable the whole time. He alsmost never got in touch, and I would see him every three months when I was in a foster home, and I adjusted better.

My first instinct was to echo Deb's thoughts ... but then I thought about my own childhood experience.

zoom said...

Do you think Wild Thing's father might recognize that it's just too hard on WT at his age, and show a little flexibility with respect to scheduling until he's ready for longer visits?

Nothing wrong with long visits, but the flip side is long separations and he's just a little boy.

I feel for you Mudmama. I know this kind of thing is heartwrenching.

XUP said...

What Zoom said -- Follow your instincts is always the best advice. I think you feel they need to connect with you on a regular basis, so I think you should call them daily even. Then they’ll know you haven’t abandoned them, which is probably what it feels like. I think it would be much harder on them if you vanished altogether – like they’re supposed to forget you? Ain’t gonna happen.

monkey said...

*sigh* i've sat here for about a half an hour trying to offer advice, support, wisdom. i don't know. here's my opinion (for whatever it's worth...especially considering i don't know your children or your ex)....

call every day or every other day just as you said you would. they may even adjust easily to being there. they may not. they may wish to be home all the time. but this time with their father is so important. growing up as a product of divorce, there were times i didn't want to go to my dad's house...but i had to. and now that i'm older, i realize how important that time was. it created a relationship with him that carries over into today. i don't feel estranged from him even though i never "technically" lived with him. after time, going to my dad's was like a vacation...i liked having two houses to go to, two families. maybe it's because i didn't know different...and it was never negative (at least not in front of me)...
oh, mudmama, i empathize. i really do. my little one is only five months old and i already worry about decisions i'm making and how my decisions will affect her later.
she comes into this world pretty perfect and it's my job to screw her up as little as possible.
you are a wonderful woman (even from the little i know of you, i can tell that much) and i really appreciate you sharing your life with us.

zoom said...

I think you should call them often.

Mom went away to university the summer I was seven, and I stayed with the school principal and his family (Deb stayed somewhere else). Even though I liked the people I was with, I missed my family and it felt like a very long time.

Our communications plan was that we would write letters. Unfortunately Canada Post chose that summer to go on strike, and it was a long, drawn-out strike. Every morning I would ask if the strike was over yet, and it never was.

I don't recall there being any phone calls.

I think the kids might find phone calls upsetting at first, because they might underscore the separation, but after awhile I think the regular daily contact would make it easier for them to be apart from you.

Carolyn said...

Hey girl spent a whole day with your kids on Friday and had a wonderful time. :-)
I asked Maia how the kids were doing, and she told me that Wild Thing was totally happy and great while she was there.
I saw him twice (pickup and dropoff where I was working!)and he was running around and laughing.
I plan to have her sleep over a few times and I will ask her if she wants to call from here. :-)

zoom said...

Mudmama! I'm starting to worry about you. Are you okay?

monkey said...

just sending you warm thoughts, mudmama. are you blog-break-taking? surely you don't owe me an explanation (smile) but just wanted you to know you have been on my mind and i'm wishing you well.